Bad Girl Rising ⤴

• Growing up in Appalachia has been the worst experience of my life. My only goal is to escape this place once and for all. These mountains have been my prison for forty eight years, and I'm ready to be free now.
• All my life, people I knew said I was difficult because, ever since I was little, I wanted to be treated well...as if someone actually loved me. The only one who ever loved me here was my dad, but my dad passed nearly thirteen years ago. I miss him.
• I dealt with abandonment, neglect, abuse, and really shitty people most of my life, which set the tone for most of my life. Most being the key word here. I will escape this place now so I can live the rest of my life in joy.
• I only ever wanted people to respect me. My life energy is valuable and so I've spent my entire life begging the wrong people to love me. People who never had the capacity to love me in the first place. I spent forty eight years begging people who would never love me to love me. What a waste. I've learned...and I know better now.
• As a kid who wore hand-me-down clothes and knock-off shoes with holes in the soles, when I reached middle school age, I wanted to wear nice clothes and shoes - like the other kids I went to school with wore. So, for my thirteenth birthday, I asked my mom if I could have some new clothes and name brand shoes from the mall. My deaf and divorced mom had no income of her own and no money. I grew up poor. However, my older sister had a job at the time. So, my mom basically forced (or guilt-tripped) my sister into taking me to the mall and letting me pick out a pair of Guess jeans and two new pair of shoes for my "coming of age" birthday. My mom and older sister made me feel like I was a burden because I simply wanted to have nice clothes and shoes to wear. I was asking too much. They made me feel so bad for asking for a new pair of jeans and shoes that didn't have holes. In middle school, one day as I at in class, two other students were looking at me and giggling and pointing and giggling some more. When I looked at them and asked them what they were laughing at, they pointed to my brown, plastic knock-off Eastland shoes, and said, 'Your mom needs to buy you some new shoes." I was thoroughly embarrassed to be alive in that moment because they said it that to me in front of the whole class. That fated day was indeed what prompted me to go home and ask my mom to buy me some new shoes. But, my mom acted aggravated by me asking for something she didn't have the money to buy for me. She then placed the burden on my teenage sister, who also acted annoyed at the idea of spending her hard earned money on her little sister. I felt her resentment, indeed. My birthdays never mattered to anyone actually.
• For the following few years that I wore those new shoes and Guess jeans to middle school, I always felt like a burden to be wearing them. I couldn't enjoy finally getting a brand name pair of jeans and shoes because of the toxic way my mom and older sister made me feel about buying them for me.
• I felt and carried a lot of feelings and emotions that a little girl shouldn't be made to carry.
• But love never asks too much, and that's how I know they didn't love me. Who treats a little girl like a burden with a smile on their face, as if that tone isn't going to emotionally scar her for life.
• I was broken from the time I was born because I was born to a  broken family and a broken life, and it's taken me my entire life to break free from my past and fully and completely heal. But I remember now...and I remember how they treated me and how they made me feel. I remember the pain that is my wound to this day.
• A wound that festered in my life. A wound that played out on repeat concerning everyone I've ever known and every relationship I ever tried to have.
• Their treatment set the tone for all treatment I would allow myself to receive my whole life - from anyone and everyone. It was a pretty low standard they set, you see. I could have grown my own way, I digress, but their influence when I was but a wee girl did indeed have a long lasting effect on me. As I mentioned, an effect that took me forty eight years to free myself from by surrendering to God and letting God heal me.
• I was taught when I was little to let people treat me badly. That was the norm for me. To not let them treat me badly made me a burden on them, but to let them treat me badly made them happy...and made my life hell.
• But, as a child who was an introverted empath, I wanted the people around me to be happy, and I loathed the idea that they weren't happy because of me. The wrong people I was begging to love me.
• So, I grew up thinking that love had to be begged for. Love had a face of the wrong person, and I had to beg that person to love me and acknowledge me and honor me and respect me every day...because it didn't come naturally for them to treat me that way. And that made me believe...everyone was that way. Everyone in the world...if I wanted their love...I had to beg for it - or it wasn't love. But the more broken I felt and the lower I fell, it was the grace of God that showed me what true love is. What it REALLY is. True love has a face, too.
• And if you truly believe, you WILL see it looking back at you.
• But for so long, I thought it was my obligation to let them treat me badly and just accept that treatment as normal. Needless to say, I've never had a healthy relationship with anyone. That tone set forth in my childhood followed me...my entire life. My healing process has been incredibly difficult and emotionally painful, because I've been coming to terms with my own memory and the terrible memories of my own life in effort to forgive and go forward...for myself and my own health. To forgive others and to forgive myself.
• I was a bad girl because I wanted to be treated well. That is how anyone I've ever known made me feel. I was a bad girl because I spoke out about wanting to be treated well. I was crazy because I spoke out about it instead of just accepting the treatment. That's what love has always been to me. People treating me badly, me protesting their treatment, and them saying I'm crazy for protesting.
• That certainly explains why I've been a loner my entire life...except for all those people who treated me badly and blamed me for their treatment. It was indeed my fault they treated me badly. That's what THEY ALL SAY. MY FAULT. I 've learned that life is a lot less lonely when you distance yourself from the people who make you feel alone and unloved. From the people who treated you badly and blamed you, and said it was your fault they treated you badly. 100% YOUR FAULT.
• It's NOT your fault...and it never was. They saw your light, and they wanted to dim your light because their own light didn't shine as bright. That's life, as I've learned. You do have power over your life energy by not letting other people invade yours...not even the memory of them or what they did to you - without admitting it or giving you closure.
• You have to move forward without the offering of closure from the ones who tried to break you.
• Why would they give you closure when they spent so long trying to break you? Exactly. You waiting around on some miracle closure is never going to happen and is a complete waste of your valuable time. #youshine
• You begging the wrong people to love you - aka - treat you well...is a waste of your time.
• This is something you must painfully accept before going forward. You can't take the emotional attachment baggage of yesterday with you into the tomorrow that will actually be your today. You have to let all that go now and go in the way God has set before you. You have to choose you. It's time.
• When you do go forward in the process of healing from your entire life, you will go forward, onward, and upward in such a way that the painful past and hurtful memories, and the people associated with all that, just won't ring the same way anymore. You will be free. And it will be your grace to receive. You'll see.
• God's Grace is sufficient for thee. 💜

You were never a bad girl. And if you were, or if that's what you believed because that's what they called you, and in doing so, made you believe you were a bad girl (but not really a bad girl) rise uP from that low flow and take back your personal power. You are a beautiful and wonderfully made girl! A glorious female and miraculous woman adored by the Great I Am! Your infinite and eternal value is worth more than all the gold in the world.