Safe Space | Explained

• I never did need anyone in that closet with me.
• When I was a little girl and my daddy left me with my mom and older sister, and we lived in a two-bedroom apartment, and my mom got one bedroom and my sister got the other, so they told me I could have the hallway closet for my personal belongings and my personal space, while they had the bedrooms for themselves...I didn't mind.
• I didn't care that it was a closet...it was mine.
• Me being a girl between the ages of 7-12 thought that was pretty cool to have a hallway closet space all to myself. What an awesome lil' bedroom it was but without the bed or enough space for a bed.
• But I made a cozy little bed in there anyway.
• The floor was my bed, and it felt comfortable because I was just a kid...and kids can sleep on practically anything - or so I learned.
• No matter, that hallway closet was my safe space and no one could bother me there.
• It had an overhead light and everything!
• A door that closed even though it didn't have a lock on the door, but it had a doorknob, and the door was actually attached to its hinges - a luxury I didn't get to experience the entire time I was married to my second husband.
• But in those days when that hallway closet was my safe space, I learned how to be alone and not need anyone. I learned how to cope with loneliness and how people who claim to love you don't really love you at all...not truly.
• I learned how to be on my own, and not need others to be with me or keep me company.
• My own company was the best company, and I learned that before I even knew what the word company meant concerning the people you keep in your lives. When I got old enough, I cut those people out of my life - despite them claiming to be family.
• I learned how to be creative in the darkness of my own thoughts, in the recesses of my own mind, in the depths of my own soul...and how to rise above while holding onto the light. I learned that on my own. No one taught that to me. God taught that to me through painful life lessons and deeply-rooted heartache to last a lifetime. I'll never be the same.
• That's a good thing...

The Silver Lining!

• I learned a lot during my time in the closet...but most of all...I learned to depend on no one but me.
• I've never needed much space, and I've not required anyone to share that space with me.
• My mommy and sissy taught me that when I was still practically a baby. It made me stronger, and it made me able to cope with being alone with myself.
• For instance, I don't beg anyone to date me. I don't beg anyone to be my friend. I don't beg anyone to visit me or spend time with me. I don't bed for anyone's love or affection...tho, I am a bit of an attention seeker due to my daddy tissues.
• But, I digress, if anything...I've begged the Scorpios in my life to leave me alone and actually divorce me, to no avail. I cut people off and block more than I check my email.
• I'm not proud of this self-isolating defense mechanism as a coping method concerning my unhealed childhood, emotional trauma.
• It is what it is, but at least, I understand this about myself, and I'm not over here living in denial and expecting people to love me just because I'm me; without trying to address my own issues and how my pre-existing issues might have a toxic effect on anyone close to me.
• Yeah, I think it's pretty obvious that I'm well aware of my own faults, flaws, and downfalls, but that doesn't mean I'm evil and going to h-ll...seeing as I'm also attempting to self-heal, so there's that!
• I grew to be a loner by choice, because as a child, that was the only option I was given. #slayfordays
• I played by myself. I roamed the streets by myself. I rode my bike by myself. I trick-or-treated by myself, dressed up for a "holiday" that I celebrated by myself by eating candy by myself.
• You kind of can't break someone into a billion pieces and expect them to not hold it against you.
• That's been the most difficult life lesson for me...the humility of forgiveness - but if Jesus can do it, so can I! Grudges are indeed an ultra heavy thing to carry.
• Loneliness can oftentimes become a by-product of a grudge one still carries from long ago.
• A grudge that began as an emotional wound that festered with time without healing properly until it became a deeply-rooted grudge that only impacted negative energy upon one's life.
• Emotional healing is incredibly important to the health and wellbeing of one's eternal soul.
• Our life journeys were not guaranteed to be easy or without certain difficulties along the way.
• That is the amazing quality of the human spirit; that we have the endurance to not only walk, but to run the race without tiring and without falling flat on our faces. And even when we do tire or fall flat, God is there to pick us uP and take us to the peak!
• We become victorious against defeat.
• I've been lonely my entire life, so now, loneliness is my safe space. But...maybe...that will change!